YOU IRRATIONAL, DISORGANISED, MESSY, HEAD-IN-THE-CLOUDS LITTLE GIRL!
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am just making all of this up, maybe it’s a fantasy, a dream, a story I concocted in my head, and at any moment now the entire thing is going to come crashing down.
Am I completely full of shit?
When something feels like a YES in my soul, when I let myself get excited about it, when I start to proclaim to my nearest and dearest that this is the thing, it’s gonna work, I can feel it?
IS it the thing? Do I actually have any idea what I’m talking about? Is everyone just looking at me again and shaking their heads in woe, thinking – ‘here she goes again. Kat off with her head up in the clouds gettin’ all carried away about a whole bunch of not real hoo-ha, high on her own damn supply! When is that girl going to come down to earth, be realistic, stay freakin’ focused?!’
I don’t know.
Do people think this about me? Or do I think they think it because secretly a small part of ME thinks that I am flaky, all over the place, with scattered attention, and easily prone to get so damn carried away at the very IDEA of an idea that I completely lose sight of all ability to be rational, to be reasonable, to be calm, to lay down clear goals and a plan, and then follow them …?
I do think all these things of myself, and I pretty much always have.
When I look back at my journey of working to create this business and life sometimes I cringe at all the MESS in those memories.
The hundreds (and hundreds!) of domain names which I was SO sure about.
The endless business ventures which I threw myself wholeheartedly into, alone or with friends, going on and on to EVERYONE about how this was gonna be HUGE. Imagining myself rich, and fancy, and free! Giving my all to it and then, sure enough, as sure as day becomes night, one by one with these ideas I’d realise – fuck. It’s happening again. I’m just not really feeling it anymore. I’m losing interest. STAY INTERESTED KAT, STAY FUCKING FOCUSED, DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU’D DO! But nope –
Soul had other plans. And eventually it would get to where I was no longer CAPABLE, and I’d opt out.
“Sorry”, I’d tell my friends, fi there were others involved in the schemery. “You can do it without me. Take all the work I’ve done, you can have it! I just … can’t”.
And I’d move on and the thing would fizzle, because one thing about me is more often than not I am the juice that keeps others around me going. When I switch off they have no fuel, their own fuel can never match mine, that’s just how it mostly is and always has been. They were riding on MY energy, buying into the fantasy of the story I was weaving, and now that I can’t see it anymore neither can they.
Relevant to this –
I’ve always known that I would know for certain I’ve found my true soulmate man when I find someone who sees and creates their own visions with or without me holding the damn thing up energetically. Someone whose energy I get to ride, and of course vice versa, but EQUALLY MATCHED.
Of course this is true for soulmate clients and friends as well, and indeed I have now allowed this in. But anyhow –
I was messy.
I was irrational.
I was disorganised.
Often, I felt like a silly and irresponsible little girl, her excitable plans distracting everybody for a bit and then poof – ! Nothing ever coming to life.
And I used to wonder if this was just my thing, I am the girl who never follows through, who can’t seem to bring herself to finish things off, who is all gung ho and then deflates every damn time, not only doesn’t want the damn thing anymore but starts to loath the damn thing.
What was wrong with me?!
You know, the thing is, that even as I was in the ‘thick’ of these years, berating myself endlessly for how all over the place I was, a deeper part of me actually didn’t give a fuck and wasn’t worried at all.
It was my SURFACE self feeling fear of judgement, or worry about not conforming to the general idea of being a proper adult, a proper entrepreneur.
The inner me, the real me, she KNEW –
I’m goin’ all the way baby, ain’t nothing gonna change THAT, it’s just how it’s going to be. Making millions, impacting millions, changing the world. THE WAY IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN AND ONLY COULD BE.
When I look back now, from a place of having done the damn thing of creating an only soul and purpose-led high multi-million dollar online business, doing what I love and just being me, I am so.fucking.grateful. for all the things which DIDN’T work out and which I COULDN’T stick to.
But you know what else I am grateful for?
I am grateful that I DID always believe in each thing, that I let myself get so carried away, that I always knew ‘this is it!’, that I proclaimed it to the high heavens and went FULLY into the energy of it being done … until I got done with being into it haha.
Because, as a result of this, as a result of continually being convinced that ‘this is it, no really!’, I was continually in the PRACTICE, and the energy, of ‘it’ being done.
The actual damn end goal, which no matter which area of life is NEVER a specific thing but instead an energy, a feeling, an inner certainty and knowing.
Yes, one day you will FINALLY get to ‘your thing’ (and then it will keep evolving for evermore from there of course!), and you will think ‘wow, how did I ever think it was anything but THIS thing, this message, this business and life, like this, this person’.
Maybe you will laugh at yourself –
Or shake your head, and feel a bit embarrassed –
About all of the stuff you swore was IT and which now so obviously is not and WAS not, never could be, because of course it was ALWAYS gonna be THIS!
But don’t you see?
Darling, it was never that the specific ‘stuff’ or now clearly not right ideas or people were actually needed in order to get you here!
But the practice and the habit of being head-in-the-clouds dreamer girl CERTAIN, excited, pumped up, tellin’ the world, filled with high vibery and glee?
Because you got yourself in that energy state so much –
Because you allowed yourself to get carried away –
You shifted your inner state into an energy of it being DONE
And bit by bit, with each new, ‘oh, no, actually it wasn’t that!’ experience, you learned more about what the REAL ‘it’ would be, and would not be.
THIS IS HOW YOU CREATE AND ARE ABLE TO SEE THE VISION!
And it’s how you also BECOME the person internally, who has those results you long for!
And we all know that when you can fully see the vision –
And when it is fully DONE –
THEN IT IS DONE AND DONE AND DONE AMEN.
So for me –
When the perfect exact JUST like I dreamed of it thing shows up in my life –
Literally a 100% representation of my wildest fantasies and deepest desires –
And yes, because of all my earlier phases of being ‘certain’, I do still feel like maybe I’m just making it up again, can I trust myself, I ‘always’ say all this shit.
But I also feel like of COURSE.
Of course I always get what I want.
What I longed for.
Down to the fucking DOT point of the vision.
And so it is.
And always will be.
And only could be.
Maybe it’s time to stop berating yourself for being so irrational, messy, disorganised, flaky, head in the clouds, or feeling some slight shame that you always get so carried away and never quite follow through, because maybe?
and then one day you DO.
Meanwhile all those cautious organised fuckers out there continue to live an organised and feet-on-the-ground life,
never even daring to imagine what could be available for them up in the heavens if only they would look,
and keep on looking,
until they found.
Don’t forget –
Life is Now. Press Play.